Wondering how to torpedo employee motivation before Monday morning coffee kicks in? Treat them like toddlers.
It starts subtly. A Slack ping at 9:01: “Where are you?” A task so over-instructed it might as well come with a coloring book. A warning for being… one minute late.
They smile. Nod. Pretend it’s normal. But inside, something tightens.
“Am I in kindergarten — or at work?”
This isn’t leadership. It’s an adult daycare in business casual. And the results? Not ownership. Not initiative. Just:
- Obedience – “Just tell me what to do.”
- Frustration – that simmers in silence and surfaces in exit interviews.
- Digital resistance – hello, anonymous Reddit vents and quiet quitting.
The Therapy Insight That Changed Everything
This shift in perspective didn’t come from Harvard Business Review. It came from therapy.
“If you treat people like adults, they act like adults. If you treat them like children, they regress.”
I stared. Then blinked. Then comprehended. And it’s painfully obvious once you watch it play out at work.
Psychology calls it infantilization — treating capable adults as if they lack judgment. Research shows infantilized individuals suffer lower self-esteem, weaker autonomy, and disengagement (Epstein et al., 2022).
The Science of Motivation (Not the Fluffy Kind)
According to Self-Determination Theory (Edward Deci & Richard Ryan), people are most motivated when they experience:
- Autonomy – “I have control over how I work.”
- Competence – “I’m good at this, and I know it.”
- Relatedness – “I’m respected and I belong.”
Micromanagement crushes all three. It replaces autonomy with surveillance. It hijacks competence with step-by-step hand-holding and constant hovering. It fractures relatedness with default distrust.
The data backs this up: Gallup reports only 23% of employees are engaged globally — a staggering figure, with “lack of voice” topping the reasons. In short: micromanagement isn’t just annoying — it’s expensive.
Child Mode vs. Adult Mode: A Corporate Split Screen
Let’s look at what actually happens at the workplace when teams are infantilized — and what shifts when they’re treated as equals.
When employees are treated like children, they:
- Wait for permission instead of taking initiative.
- Seek constant validation — not clarity.
- Hide mistakes out of fear.
- Obey policies blindly, even when they sabotage productivity.
- Resent authority but rarely voice it.
But when they’re treated like adults, they:
- Take ownership of outcomes.
- Suggest improvements instead of just completing tasks.
- Manage their own time, because they know how.
- Ask for help – not approval.
- Feel trusted – and act trustworthy.
This isn’t just behavioral. It’s psychological. I’ve seen both in action – in myself, my colleagues, and the teams I’ve worked with.
About That “We’re a Family” Line
The “we’re a family” metaphor? Tricky territory.
If your culture truly runs on mutual care and accountability, great. But tread carefully — because every family has parents and children. And when leaders step into the “parent” role, employees unconsciously fall into the “child” role.
Psychologist Eric Berne’s Transactional Analysis offers a powerful framework for understanding this. It describes social interactions in terms of three ego states: Parent, Adult, and Child. When managers operate from the Parent mode — over-correcting, micromanaging, or hovering — they unconsciously invite employees into the Child mode: passivity, risk aversion, and permission-seeking behavior.
That’s the fast track to infantilization — and a guaranteed way to kill initiative and ownership.
If you do embrace the family metaphor, make sure it’s built on mutual adulthood, not hierarchy disguised as parental authority.
So, What Should Internal Communication Actually Sound Like?
The way we communicate, especially in internal comms, either reinforces trust or fractures it. Let’s flip a few common phrases, from control to conversation.
Instead of: “Why haven’t you updated the doc yet?” Try: “Let me know if you hit blockers — I trust your process.”
Instead of: “Follow this exact workflow, no exceptions.” Try: “Here’s the goal. What’s the best way to get there?”
Instead of: “Being late will be noted.” Try: “Is your schedule working for you? Let’s talk if not.”
Notice the difference? Same accountability. Zero infantilizing.
Monday Morning Guidelines: Talk to Adults Like… Adults
Here’s your tone-shift toolkit:
- Assume maturity until proven otherwise. Ask, “What do you need?” not, “Where are you?”
- Define outcomes, not steps. Lead with why, not how.
- Be clear, not controlling. Clarity signals respect. Control signals fear.
- Give feedback how you’d want to hear it. Honest. Specific. Respectful.
- Respect boundaries. If your tone implies 24/7 surveillance, people emotionally check out.
- Model openness. Saying “I was wrong” builds more trust than “Do it my way.”
Final Thought: If You Want Ownership, Give Some First
You can’t ask for initiative while flooding inboxes with instructions. You can’t ask for bold thinking while handing out scripts. And you absolutely can’t foster trust when you lead from suspicion.
So the next time you feel tempted to “follow up,” ask yourself: Would you be more productive if someone checked where you were every 10 minutes?
Exactly.
So lead like you hire adults — because you do.
References
- Berne, E. (1964). Games People Play: The Psychology of Human Relationships. Grove Press.
- Deci, E. L., & Ryan, R. M. (1985). Intrinsic Motivation and Self-Determination in Human Behavior. Springer.
- Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68-78.
- Gallup. (2023). State of the Global Workplace Report. Gallup, Inc.
- Manzoni, J.-F., & Barsoux, J.-L. (1998). The set-up-to-fail syndrome: How bosses create their own poor performers. Harvard Business Review, 76(2), 101-113.
- Edmondson, A. (1999). Psychological safety and learning behavior in work teams. Administrative Science Quarterly, 44(2), 350-383.
- Epstein, R., Bock, S. D., Drew, M. J., & Scandalis, Z. (2022). Infantilization across the life span: A large-scale internet study suggests that emotional abuse is especially damaging. Motivation and Emotion, 47, 137-163.
