A candid look at what it really means to go back to work after becoming a mother, from someone who’s lived it, and what we can do to make it better.
The questions that linger in the quiet:
- “Am I a good mother if I go back to work?”
- “Is it selfish to want part of my old life back?”
- “Who will take care of my baby and can I trust them?”
- “Will my baby miss me?”
- “Can I still do my job well with no sleep and a thousand worries?”
- “Will my employer support me or just tolerate me?”
These are the gut punches that hit at 2 a.m. when your baby is crying and your laptop glows ominously from across the room. They’re real, raw, and exhausting. And yet, millions of us ask them every day.
Still, we return, to the boardrooms, classrooms, clinics, and kitchen counters, because we have to. And maybe, deep down, because we want to. Yes, it’s possible to love your child and still miss the thrill of deadlines.
More Than Just a Return, It’s an Identity Rethink
Returning to work after maternity leave, whether it’s after your first, second, or fifth child, isn’t “getting back to normal” and just clocking back in. It’s like trying to slide into an old pair of jeans, only to realise your entire body and soul have shifted. It often feels like stepping into an older version of yourself that no longer quite fits.
During leave, your world narrows to feedings, sleep cycles, and surviving on adrenaline and oat bars. Then suddenly, you’re expected to jump back into Slack and strategy like you didn’t just spend months decoding baby cries.
The Undeniable Pull of the Child
Babies need their mothers. Research consistently shows that a mother’s presence in the early years plays a pivotal role in emotional, cognitive, and physical development. The science is clear, and it’s frankly inconvenient when you’re trying to convince yourself that childcare is “totally fine.”
From regular breastfeeding to emotional attunement, these moments of closeness wire a child’s brain and build emotional security. Studies show that children whose mothers were present in the first months scored significantly higher on cognitive development tests by age three. Moreover, secure early attachment doesn’t just shape the toddler years; it can lower the risk of anxiety disorders in school-aged children and even affect emotional stability and academic performance into adolescence.
So yes, leaving your baby for eight hours a day while pretending to care about Q3 projections can feel like a psychological whiplash, because it is.
The Real Split Isn’t Just Physical, It’s Emotional
Psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott spoke of the “good enough mother”: the one who knows when to step back so the child can develop their own ego. That sounds poetic until stepping back feels less like an intentional move and more like corporate survival.
Returning to work doesn’t always feel like growth. Sometimes it feels like betrayal. Like you’re choosing emails over eye contact, deadlines over first giggles. And that guilt? It doesn’t care how feminist your CV is.
In a social and economic climate that often pressures mothers to return to work as quickly as possible, it’s essential to create systems that allow them to stay with their child during early years, without fear of losing their job or stalling their career progress.
We Do Not Need “Welcome Back” Cupcakes
We need to stop choosing between being a present parent and a functioning professional. Companies that truly want to support mothers must turn good intentions into concrete action, implementing clear strategies that make the return to work more humane and and sustainable. Here are some ideas:
- Flexible Work Hours: Let her start later, leave earlier, or log in during nap times. Trust her to get the job done, even if it’s while wearing a baby carrier and sipping cold coffee.
- Phased Returns: No one should go from 24/7 babyland to full-time meetings overnight. Ease back in. It’s not weakness, it’s logic.
- Support Groups: Let mums talk to other mums. Let them laugh, vent, strategise. It’s not therapy, but it’s close.
- Real Mentorship: Pair her with someone who’s been through it. Not just to talk about workflows, but about how to answer “How was your leave?” without crying or lying.
- Clear, Human Expectations: Give her actual goals. Not vague “we’ll see how it goes.” She’s already navigating enough ambiguity at home.
- Ask Her What She Needs: Because this is what I (think I) need, but that doesn’t mean other women don’t have different challenges. There is no one-size-fits-all roadmap, so ask before you assume.
The Cost of Unsupportive Cultures
Mothers who don’t feel supported burn out. Or they leave. Or they stay and emotionally check out while pretending they’re fine. Meanwhile, teams suffer, culture erodes, and companies wonder why their retention metrics suck. (Spoiler: it’s not the ping pong table.)
In today’s transparent climate, companies that fail to support parental mental health create a mismatch between external brand messaging and internal lived experience, eroding trust both within and outside the organisation. Negative reviews, social media backlash, and word-of-mouth can quickly tarnish a brand’s image, especially among younger talent who prioritise work-life balance.
Reimagining the Future: A Culture That Cares
The research is clear. The data is there. What’s missing is the culture to match. It’s time to build systems that honour both motherhood and ambition, without forcing women to choose between the two.
When a mother returns to work, don’t make the baby the only headline. Ask her how she’s doing. What she’s excited about. What she needs. See her. Hear her. Value her, not just as a parent or a professional, but as a human who happens to be raising other humans, while doing your PowerPoint.
This isn’t a personal dilemma. It’s a design flaw. And it’s fixable. If companies want to retain great women, they need to stop offering cupcakes and start offering real support.
You want “work-life balance” in your job posts? Start with empathy. Not pastries.
References:
- Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1970). Infant–mother attachment. American Psychologist, 25(2), 97–106.
- American Psychiatric Association. (2020). Paid parental leave and mental health outcomes. APA Press.
- American Psychiatric Association. (2022). Parental leave benefits and workplace retention. APA Press.
- Bowlby, J. (1969). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment. New York, NY: Basic Books.
- Brown, A., Smith, L., & Thomas, S. (2019). Parental support structures and psychological adaptation. Journal of Maternal Psychology, 12(3), 211–226.
- Dustmann, C., & Schönberg, U. (2012). Expansions in maternity leave coverage and children’s long-term outcomes. American Economic Journal: Applied Economics, 4(3), 190–224.
- Kalil, A., Ziol-Guest, K. M., & Gonzalez, C. (2023). Paid leave and long-term child outcomes in Scandinavian models. Child Development, 94(1), 11–29.
- Sroufe, L. A. (2005). Attachment and development: A prospective, longitudinal study from birth to adulthood. Attachment & Human Development, 7(4), 349–367.
- Winnicott, D. W. (1965). The maturational processes and the facilitating environment. International Universities Press.
